getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
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I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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