he wants to bone in the snuggie
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
