my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
