i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
