so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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