It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
