maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
