I wannas sexs uuuuu
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
