did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You did what with his pubic hair?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
