Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
