I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
