Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
