someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
