My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
