Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it's like heaven, but drunker
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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