Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
