i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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