***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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