I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
