so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
