So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
