your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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