don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
