He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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