So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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