First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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