I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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