she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
