Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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