Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
