Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
