mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
