Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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