She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
