1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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