I'm gonna have a badass scar
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
