I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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