Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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