he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
