o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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