I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
