1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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