So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
