I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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