So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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