you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I can text with my tongue
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
