I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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