just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
