I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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