I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
