She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
