I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
