I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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