proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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