Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
