How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
