i permit you to call me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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